I feel aimless when i go to camp. Because there is nothing much for me to do. And when my mind is idle, it revisits the whole ordeal. I have enough people telling me that my mum doesn't want to see me wasting my life away like this. I appreciate the concern but the ease with which u speak comes with your position as a bystander. And my mum can't see me anymore. She's dead.

Sometimes i think she's trying to teach me a lesson in growing up. Maybe it's like an ultimatum for me to finally grow up. But i'm still me. Just that i have this void in my life now.

Othertimes, i remind myself that she did not expect to develop the infection. And she did not expect to die. I think it's blunt how my brain cannot put in effort to come up with an apt synonym.

I have been tasked by my dad to do an album in commemoration of her life.(is that how u say it?) And i've been sieving through all her photos. There must be a million of them, from the time when she was just a lil sec sch girl to her graduation, to their wedding.. so on.. until the final few pics.. which are those taken on my birthday. Where it's clearly etched on her face that she is in great pain. I have plans on how the album will be. And i believe it will make people cry (again) in her memory.

I re-read my March entries. How depressing my blog has become. It's quite a turn off actually. If there's one other negative side effect to this whole episode, it is the
'resurrection' of my useless Piscean side that i've been trying to suppress all this time. My emotions are a wreck. And i hated it that they used to have a free rein on my life. Once again, they r rearing their ugly little heads, like the pimples that have sought this perfect opportunity to come invade my face. A single thought can trigger tears, and they disappear as sudden as they come.

And it is this instability that made me decide that perhaps i should cut down on my social activities. I'd like to appologize to all the new 21 yr olds whose bday invitations my emotions have turned down on my behalf.